I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
