i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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