so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
