I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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