yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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