Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
