I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
