you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
