The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
