"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
