my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
