Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
