Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
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