Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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