the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
