I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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