my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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