sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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