I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
