I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
