i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
