i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize