i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
