Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
