Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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