I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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