Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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