Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
