i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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