It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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