just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The best revenge is premature balding
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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