fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
