pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
