dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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