I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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