2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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