Just fell off a train. Bad.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
