I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
