If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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