There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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