You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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