My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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