Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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