I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
