FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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