the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
