Your dad touched me again.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
