I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up backwards on a recliner
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
