false alarm. still invincible.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
