New invention idea: vibrating tampons
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
