you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
