ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
