He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
