I'm so fucking centered right now
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
