i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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