I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
