I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
