I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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