there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
